I’m sure, like me, you’ve had times at work or in your personal life where you have had to have difficult or awkward conversations or perhaps try to manage conflict.

Maybe it was a difficult team member who was not playing ball, or asking for a promotion or raise, or perhaps it was a conflict situation with a customer.

These situations are difficult for most of us because they are emotionally charged. This means we often find it difficult to react in a calm and unemotional way, and the true reasonable meaning of what we want to say can get lost. This can lead to defensive or negative reactions from the other person and resolution or getting what we want is hard to achieve.

The reason I wanted to write about assertive communication is because it is such a useful and practical tool to have and it comes up a lot in my coaching sessions whether it is directly or indirectly.

What is Assertive Communication?

Firstly, let’s start with what it is not!

It is not in anyway aggressive or pushy and its not about making demands. In fact, it is the opposite of aggressive. It is about controlling how we communicate, our body language, the words we speak and the tone we use.

So how do we define assertive communication?

Assertiveness can be understood as relational style that treads a middle path between being passive and being aggressive.

Assertiveness is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest, and direct way. To assert your rights and needs, whilst still being considerate and empathetic to the other person.

It’s also about taking the judgement and negative emotions out what is said, and about understanding and empathising with the other persons point of view.

Using an assertive approach to communication we aim to express our feelings and needs in a compassionate, and non-judgemental way, but at the same time in a way that is direct and unambiguous.

What are the benefits of being assertive?

It can help build self-confidence and provide lead to with a greater sense of empowerment, because you can express clearly what you want and want you don’t want so its easier to get things done.

Assertive communication can help make you a better leader, because you are clear, honest empathetic and fair minded in your communication. You treat people with respect and people know where they stand with you and what you expect.

It's also an important part of negotiating with and influencing customers and internal stakeholders.

By listening to understand and being empathetic and explaining your needs without creating a defensive reaction it is easier to negotiate a win / win and build positive relationships.

How can I become more assertive?

Set a goal to become more assertive

Think about how you express what you feel, need, believe, or want.

Use clear I statements to ensure you are understood. For example:

“I need you to listen carefully to what I have to say in this meeting as it is important that you understand.” Or “I believe that we should invest in the new marketing plan because it will boost brand awareness.”

Be persistent and don’t be put off by the reaction of the other person or allow them to divert the conversation to another topic.

Repeat yourself if you need to and if need be, use even more direct and firm communication, always remaining calm and clear in what you want.

Remember you are not responsible for how the other person reacts to our assertiveness.

Prepare in advance, if possible, think about what and how you are going to say something, and also ensuring you get to say what you need to say.

If you can’t prepare and it’s a spontaneous conversation or moment, don’t’ be afraid to ask for time or choose to respond later. You can always say:

“I hear what you are saying but I need time to think about it before I respond”

Listen carefully to understand and empathise with the other persons point of view so that you can be conscious of their thoughts and viewpoint whilst still being assertive.

Practical Steps to assertiveness using NVC

In my opinion the best place to start to help understand and build a model for assertive communication is Non-Violent Communication developed by Michael B. Rosenberg (Nonviolent communication: a language of compassion, 1999).

As Rosenberg states: “When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. And when people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self- defence or counterattack” (Rosenberg 2003)

Using Rosenberg’s work, we can call on a framework of steps that help us develop an assertive non-violent communication style.

1. Observe and assess the situation

The first step is to listen and observe effectively.

Listening attentively and closely enables us to better understand what the other person is saying rather than just hear what they are saying, it’s only through understanding others can we empathise effectively with others.

The next thing is to observe without judgment, which is much easier to say than to do. One way to help express your observations without judgement is to be as specific as possible.

So, for example:

“You never listen to me.” Which is a judgemental statement and likely to illicit a defensive reaction, becomes:

“The last three times I have tried to talk to you about my concerns regarding workload you have not listened to what I was really saying.”

Or “You are never around when I need you.” Becomes:

“You have a lot of meetings at the times when I am free, and it is difficult for me to find time with you.”

Both are specific and free of explicit or implied criticism or judgement of motivation, which is much less likely to provoke a defensive reaction. But both comments are still direct and unambiguous, neither are they passive.

2. Express how you feel

The next step is to express our feeling in a clear and open way to enable the other person to know what we affect their behaviour is having on us. Many of us are not used to expressing feelings specifically or in detail and will need to practice and think about what we are going to say.

As with observation the first step is to be specific to help the listener understand what’s going on inside.

“This makes me feel annoyed.” is quite vague and can lead to misunderstanding. So we need to try to explain in more specific detail what is we are feeling.

To continue our example:

 “The last three times I have tried to talk to you about my concerns regarding workload you have not listened to what I was really saying.”

“This makes me feel like you do not take my time and work life balance seriously”

3. Communicate your needs

Again, the theme of being specific and unambiguous is important here.

It is really important to communicate what you would like to happen or what you need the other person to do, or both, in clear unambiguous terms.

This helps you feel good that you are getting your needs heard and importantly it gives the other person a chance to do something about it. They may not agree with everything, or they may not be able to give you what you want or fix the problem, but they will at least know what the need is and be able to address it directly.

So, building on our example expressing need clearly and in detail would be:

“The last three times I have tried to talk to you about my concerns regarding workload you have not listened to what I was really saying.”

“This makes me feel like you do not take my time and work life balance seriously”

“Work life balance and managing my time effectively is really important to me and I need this to be respected.”

Again, this is a clear statement that puts a reasonable statement of fact across to the other listener that should not illicit a defensive reaction, it is not passive and crucially it tells them precisely what your need is.

4. Express what you would like to happen

This is where we make a specific request to change something or for something to happen. Using the phrase “would you please” or “could we please”,

The request needs to be as clear and specific as possible and presented in positive language. The clearer we are about what we would like the more likely we are to get it.

Positive language means asking for something to be done or action to be taken, rather than stopping something.

So instead of saying “I want to stop going to so many meetings.” We say “Could we please review and agree which meetings I need to attend as a priority?”

So, completing the example:

“The last three times I have tried to talk to you about my concerns regarding workload you have not listened to what I was really saying.”

“This makes me feel like you do not take my time and work life balance seriously”

“Work life balance and managing my time effectively is really important to me and I need this to be respected.”

“Could we please agree my work priorities for the next 3 months and which meetings I really need to attend, so I can better manage my time and workload?”

An example of dealing with a difficult team member might be:

Instead of saying:

"Your behaviour is creating a bad atmosphere in the team, you are being aggressive and rude.   I and others have noticed it and it's not how you should be behaving towards others. For example when you interrupted Sue in the meeting and called Bob's idea terrible".

We could try:

"In todays meeting I witnessed you interrupt one member of the team and be rude to another member of the team

This makes me feel that you are not considering others needs and the team members in question have told me it  makes them feel frustrated that they are not being listened to and their ideas are being shot down

Listening to and respecting others opinions is an important part of the expectations for your role and of being a member of this team and I need this behaviour to stop.

Could you please take time to consider your behaviour and talk to me about why you are behaving in this way and what you could do differently."

Find out more about NVC:

“Upon developing the Nonviolent Communication process in the 1960’s, Marshall B. Rosenberg strove to teach people of any age, gender, ethnicity or background an incredibly effective alternative to how most people were taught to communicate.

Marshall routinely used Nonviolent Communication to solve disputes, and he could envision us using it pre-emptively to promote understanding between neighbors…. be they two human beings or two bordering nations.”

 (PuddleDancer Press. Please visit www.nonviolentcommunication.com to learn more about Nonviolent Communication.)

ROSENBERG, M. B. (1999). Nonviolent communication: a language of compassion. Del Mar, CA, PuddleDancer Press.